Death on the Dissection Table
by judikickshiney
Summary: Mayuri was Murdered! Crack-pairings abound! Death, romance, and mystery fill Sereitai! A comical Who-Dun-It.
1. Chapter 1

**_As I am the author I feel I must warn you of what is to come._**

**_But I'm not going to. Trust me, if this is as fun to read as it was to write, you will enjoy it. (Of course, as I was the one who write it, I am a biased observer.)_**

**_Anyway, Pairings include:_**

**_Mayuri/Soi Fon_**

**_Byakuya/Yachiru_**

**_Zaraki/Unohana_**

**_Kira/Nemu_**

**_Matsumoto/Saskibe_**

**_Shunsui/Nanao_**

**_Momo/Aizen's old pillow_**

**_and more..._**

**_(I blame PND. Who this story is dedicated to. For without crack pairings, where would comedy go?)_**

**_--I do not own Bleach. I do not own Yamamoto. If I did, he would be old, senile, and arthritic, with little to no riatsu. But also completely lovable-which he is not. Unless you make fun of him.--_**

**_Perhaps you should ignore the rest of this author's note and go read, hmm? Cause I'd really only babble more about how this story was inspired (very loosley) by 'Death on the Nile' by Agatha Christie. And without Madi-san, it would not have been written. She inflates my writers ego. _**

**_To: PND_**

**_Because my late birthday present was wayyy the bomb._**

**_(My birthday present was _The Hotel_ by PND. It creeped me out in a completely happy and delicously delightful way.)_**

**_Enjoy!_**

--

Mayuri was dead.

And that, in itself, was strange. Because, although all Shinigami were technically dead, he was really and truly dead.

He had kicked the bucket.

Bit the dust.

Was pushing up daisies.

Moved on.

Passed away.

And all the other trite, cliché terms for "died."

Of all the captains standing around the deceased clown, Yamamoto was the first to state the obvious.

"Murder most foul."

Seeing as how he was the highest ranking captain, it seemed fitting that he spoke first. And seeing as he was incredibly ancient and quite possibly had Alzheimer's, it was fitting that he didn't say anything particularly useful.

Ukitake really tried not to roll his eyes. He really did, but the senile old man had a tendency to over-dramatize things. And although Ukitake appeared to respect the old goober, it was obvious that he had gone crazy ages ago. At least it was to both Ukitake and Shunsui. He didn't discuss such things with the other captains. It would ruin his public image.

Shunsui elbowed him in the side to keep him from following the eye-roll with an unnecessary snort to express his distaste in having to listen as the old man continued his rambling. He coughed to cover his distaste. Having a fatal disease was handy for hiding your scorn and irritation, Ukitake decided. He was glad, for a moment, that he had one.

"As you can see, he has been laid out in a rather blatant mockery of his own experiments and stabbed repeatedly. It is quite possible that he was dead before the wounds were inflicted as he could have turned himself into jelly had he been either awake or alive when the incident occurred."

It was Byakuya, surprisingly, who interrupted the geezer. "Yes, Soutaicho, all of us are aware of Mayuri's…special…talents. We do not need a lecture."

Yamamoto sulked, giving the impression that he was a (very ugly) child.

Ukitake stifled a grin. He would have to bring the stoic man into his confidence when it came to the inadequacy of the Soutaicho.

Hitsugaya would have thought the lecture rather informative, had he not been distracted by the rather pleased, vindicated feeling in his heart. Mayuri had deserved exactly what he had gotten, that was undisputable.

It really was completely undisputable.

The only people who seemed the least bit remorseful were Soi Fon and Nemu, who was now standing in as captain since her 'father' was murdered.

Even if she was suspicious, no one was prepared (or had the slightest inclination) to take over the deceased jesters division.

Almost every captain who stood around Mayuri's body was, if only slightly and very deep down, pleased that he was dead.

Silence had reigned after Byakuya had shut the Yamaneggar up. No one wanted to voice their thoughts. Eventually though, someone had to speak up.

"This calls for an investigation, yes?" Unohana's soft voice broke the tense air that had surrounded Gotai Thirteen's strongest members.

Yamamoto instantly leaped on the chance to voice his opinion on the matter. "Of course! As I would have said if I had not been so rudely interrupted, I would have gotten to that!" He Glared at Byakuya, his beard flapping as the remnant of his riatsu visibly showed his displeasure. Byakuya blinked in response to this pathetic show of a tantrum. He wasn't frightened of the old man. Yachiru was far scarier when he forgot to bake a cake for her, or give her flowers when he took her out to dinner. "We must hold an immediate investigation! Mayuri was a far too important man to let his death go un-avenged!"

Zaraki laughed. "Are you serious? No one's gonna get caught. So many people hated this bastard that we'll have no choice but to convict all of Soul Society and half of the human world. In fact, I woulda' killed him myself, given the opportunity."

"Kenpachi!" Unohana reprimanded, laying a hand on his arm. "Now is not the time!"

Shunsui noticed the intimacy in that gesture, and found himself wondering when she had left Mayuri for the large-beast-of-a-man that was Zaraki.

Ukitake stepped in, sighing. "We need to find the one who did this, if only to make sure he doesn't want to kill the rest of us. Captains are a target. Kill the captains and Soul Society falls." He just wanted to go drink his tea. Possibly inviting Shunsui, Byakuya, and Kira. Kira was a smart boy, Shunsui was good company, and Byakuya because he was intelligent and Ukitake wanted intelligent conversation.

Komamura gasped. "Do you think Aizen could be behind this?"

Everyone froze at the mention of the traitor.

Ukitake almost sighed. _He just wanted a tea party!_

It was possible that Aizen was behind this heinous act, but the possibility was rather ridiculous at the same time. This just reaffirmed the fact that, although pets are loyal, they are also predictably stupid, and Yamamoto's pet dog/hamster/fox/human (or whatever the heck Komamura was) was no exception. At least, this is what Byakuya thought.

Komamura continued. "Aizen must have been jealous because Mayuri was proving to be more adept at 'evil genius' than he was! That has to have been it!"

"It could have been Tousen." Said a, till then, quiet Soi Fon. "After all, Mayuri-san was the one who ruined his eyesight."

Everyone bowed their heads, remembering Mayuri's attempt to help Tousen gain twenty-twenty vision. Acid, it seemed, did not work miracles when it came to healing. Burning holes in the floor, yes. Healing, no. Tousen had learned a hard lesson that day. Justice couldn't be blind. She needed to see where to stick her sword if she wished to hand out retribution and, unfortunately, Blind Justice wasn't quite up to par with security cameras and rubber ducks.

"Any of the Traitors could have done it, if, and only if, they could have gotten in. And we would have sensed _something, _had that been the case." Byakuya said, clearing his throat, hopefully clearing the insanity out of the air.

"Let us think on this overnight. The luitenants can dispose of the body. We need our rest so that we can continue this tomorrow." Yamamoto closed their gathering with a sharp military salute and marched out of the room, heels clicking.

…twenty minutes later he had finally gotten outside.

He was old. So sue him if he couldn't move very fast.

**_Mwahahahaha! Who did the murder? When did Unohana leave Mayuri for Zaraki? Is Aizen involved?_**

**_These questions may or may not be answered in the next insallment of DonaDT (Which is almost Donut, which is what I ate for breakfast this morning.)!!_**


	2. Chapter 2

**_I took FOR-EVER on this chapter and I really have no excuse. I am sorry. I grovel, beg, and plead for mercy._**

**_I also hope you enjoy this chapter, because I had an incredible amount of fun with it._**

**_giggles_**

**_Yes. So. Read on and enjoy!_**

**_--All the usualy disclaimers, I own nothing except what I'm wearing. Poor, broke me.--_**

**_Mwahahahahaha! Have fun!_**

The poor lieutenants of the Gotai 13 paraded into the lab room that housed Kurosuchi's body.

A strange sense of dread (mixed with glee) hung over the group, and they stared (slightly forlornly and almost giddily) at the dead scientist.

"Well." Matsumoto began. "This is a shame." She was smiling.

"No more horror stories 'bout the creep." Renji agreed, but was thinking of the ghost stories they could tell as a substitute.

"This is not beautiful at all. This layout is horrible. And look at his outfit!"

Yumichika and Ikkaku had joined the lieutenants, and since they were the ones who actually ran the eleventh division, they had been allowed to hang around. The more the merrier, Isane had said.

Ikkaku shrugged. "At least he won't be missed."

Nanao sighed and nodded sagely. "He may not be missed, but it really is too bad that he died so soon. I was on the verge of compiling a research paper on the abnormalities of the mentally disabled. I had begun his interview last night but couldn't finish it; unfortunately he will not be able to answer any more of my questions. I am not sure Yamamoto and Soi Fon are enough evidence to write a logical paper."

She was completely serious.

Kira stared at her.

Matsumoto blinked. "…Is that why you wouldn't come drinking with me last night? A research paper?"

Nanao smiled and held her clipboard close to her. "It was going to be a really good paper."

Kira asked, "Why interview Soi Fon, she doesn't seem _to_ incredibly certifiable. Crazy, sure, but insane?"

Everyone stared at him.

"You haven't seen Clown-Lady's shrine, have you." It wasn't a question. The way Yachiru had put it; it sounded more like a warning.

"What's in her shrine?"

"Kira…" Iba warned. He saw it as his duty to save Kira from permanent brain defilement.

No one wanted to see her shrine. No, they really, really didn't.

It was an unfortunate scouting party, given the task of researching Soi-Fon and her dubious character, that had first found the shrine. (Only lieutenants had been involved-it had been more of a party than a scouting mission since alcohol was included and the only thing they wanted from the 'mission' was blackmail material.)

The theory was that that was what caused Momo's insanity. As for what was in the shrine…

…Suffice it to say that Soi Fon was a complete freak. And so was Mayuri.

Which was, probably, why they were dating.

"…Hey!" Yachiru yelled suddenly, "Don't the wounds look like they were made by a really sharp, really thin blade?"

All the other Lieutenants stared at her.

She was even better than Old Man Yamamoto at stating the obvious.

It was a mystery how Byakuya put up with her.

Kira took advantage of the silence and said again, "What's in Soi Fon's shrine?"

He was ignored.

"You know," Renji mused, "we're gonna have to set up some sort of thank you party once we find out who killed him."

"Hell, it coulda been anybody." Matsumoto muttered, "But I'm always up for a party!"

Isane sighed and leaned against Iba. "I'm feeling a bit ill."

All the Lieutenants promptly stared at the healer.

"What? I don't like blood, and there is quite a bit of it here, don't you think?"

…

"It isn't beautiful." Yumichika added.

There was one long consecutive pause, and then Yachiru giggled.

Ikkaku snorted. "This is so stupid. Bastard goes and dies and now we have to clean up the mess he made? Fuck that."

There was about twenty minutes of staring at each other before all hell broke loose.

With a mix of shunpo, wrestling, cat-calls, whistles, punches, and taunts they all ended up at a bar, attempting to, and succeeding, in forgetting that they were the ones who were supposed to remove Mayuri's body.

The bar never knew what hit it.

--

Saskibe's head rested on Rangiku's lap as she inhaled another bottle of sake, he sipped his own (fifth) bottle of wine and quietly gazed into her (slightly inebriated) eyes.

"So," he slurred, "tell me about yourself, ma petite."

She giggled. "My name's Matsum…Matsumoto Rangiku. You can call me Rangiku." She attempted to bat her eyelashes and succeeded in looking like a confused squirrel.

"And you can call me Chojiro, ma petite."

She giggled again.

He was entranced.

Somewhere, in the far reaches of her mind, the tiny, tiny part that was still sober thought 'The twin goddesses definitely worked their magic tonight! Score!'

--

Momo, who had snuck out of Fourth Division, where she was being kept, was sitting in Aizen's old room, cuddling with Aizen's old pillow.

"Aizen-Taicho, I heard the most wonderful news. Mayuri-San is dead! Isn't that wonderful?! I was so happy. Maybe you can come back now. You are a much better scientist than he could ever have been! I would've killed him myself, if I could've gotten out of Fourth. They think I'm crazy, did you know? Ha-ha, but I know you'll come back…You smell nice Aizen-Taicho…I never got to tell you that…"

Hanatoro, who had missed the retrieval of Mayuri's body and subsequent bar dash due to his position as decidedly NOT a lieutenant in his division, was stuck watching the small, slightly (?) insane woman cuddle a dilapidated bundle of cloth. He had been given the task of getting her to come back with him, because, as Unohana said, he had a ridiculously large 'cute factor' and couldn't be resisted. That and he had a nice syringe full of his own 'nock-out juice' hand made by him. It was an unbeatable combination.

He would succeed in this mission, or die trying.

His palms were sweating. He figured his best chance was to attack when the girl was asleep.

Perhaps attack was too harsh a word.

He would just…slip in and remove her from her present location. It was retrieval. Just like what was happening with Mayuri's body. A retrieval. Yes. He smirked an evil, slightly sadistic smirk. Just retrieval. But he wouldn't have minded too much if the word attack was the correct word to use in his present situation.

Hinamori Momo was obnoxiously irritating, and he wanted her out of _his_ division as soon as possible.

--

Hisagi had found the lieutenants drinking that night and had joined them in their raucous escapades.

At the moment, he was freak dancing.

Who would have guessed?

Kira and Renji had joined in his past time and their gyrating pelvises were added to the comical scene that had once been a dignified tabletop full of beers. Isane and Iba cat-called from the side.

Earlier, Isane had been giving out lap dances, but no one wanted to encroach on Iba's property (Isane was Iba's. He had said so earlier that night. And after they had seen how he reacted when his sunglasses were broken, no one wanted to mess with that) so he had been the only taker. She was still practicing her moves on the happy man.

Saskibe and Matsumoto were lying on one of the benches of the bar alternatively ogling each other and watching those who were dancing.

Ikkaku was attempting to seduce the bar-maid, who was fixing her hair with his mirror-like head, and Yumichika was smiling and sipping a cup of sake. He didn't get drunk. He never got drunk. He hiccupped and giggled, deciding that, maybe, just maybe, he was a little bit tipsy.

And that was how Nanao and Shunsui found them all.

Considering it was Shunsui doing the finding, the party didn't stop and he joined in amid cheers, while Nanao grimaced and plopped herself on an unoccupied bench. If her captain and her best friend (Matsumoto) were going to act like drunken idiots, she wasn't going to stop them. She was thinking about her research paper instead.

Byakuya stepped into the room, and everything stopped.

--

Yachiru hadn't gone to the drinking bash, deciding that sugar was infinitely better than alcohol. Instead, she had raided Ukitake's Candy ClosetTM.

Upon finding that his closet was empty, he immediately began canceling all his tea-party plans. It was a shame that it would have to wait a few more weeks, it really was.

His homicidal thoughts were usually reserved for Mayuri, but seeing as he was dead, Yachiru was getting the full brunt of his imagination. While he fumed she quietly munched on a lollipop and chewed gum, consecutively eating _his _tea-cakes.

"Who do you think did it?" she asked.

"…I am not at liberty to say, but I hope it was a rather unfortunate accident instead of murder."

"That's silly! It's so much more exciting this way!"

He sighed, and tried to do paperwork. But silently agreed. Mayuri's death was a blessing.

--

Sentaro and Kiyone were not lieutenants, so they had sat out all the fun of the evening, and, in fact, were arguing amiably on what color Kiyone's shirt was. Sentaro said it was black, Kiyone said midnight. The only reasonable course of action was to ask their captain.

As they made their way to their division they heard a heated debate occurring between Komamura and…was that Hanatoro?

"I can't believe it! Next you'll be saying that it was fitting he died that way!"

"But it was!" Hanatoro said. "Just think of what he used to do to his experiments. You were lucky YOU weren't one of them!"

"All living things deserve life!" Komamura said. "…except, perhaps. I would have loved to witness his demise. There would have been a certain joy in it, don't you think?"

"Oh, trust me Sir. I know. Now, I was thinking, since we missed Mayuri's death…"

Sentaro and Kiyone hid as the giant creature and the small young man walked around the corner and down the street.

"Did you just hear what I heard?" Sentaro asked.

"Of course, you idiot, I was standing right next to you."

"Who are you calling an idiot, idiot!?"

"You, idiot!"

And they promptly forgot the whole conversation and their purpose for even walking that way as they argued (not so amiably) all the way to Kiyone's door, which was where Sentaro dropped her off before continuing to his own home.

**_le gasp What?! An evil Hanatoro?! I was as shocked as you! Believe me. _**

**_What could he possibly be planning?_**

**_What is Byakuya doing in the bar?_**

**_Will the Lieutenents ever _leave_ the bar?_**

**_Find out when I next update. I hope it'll be faster thann last time. (Stupid plot bunnies attacking and fleeing...Not productive. Doesn't help me finish anything.)_**

If you would like to leave a review, it would be greatly appreciated! I love hearing what you thought.

But you don't have to. It would be nice though...


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